I cannot live without books.

But how can I fight evil without footwear???

... you know what to say (delicately, without sloppy missionary fervor) when someone says, "Oh, you don't play that 'Dungeons & Dragons' thing, DO YOU?!

Okay. After twenty-seven sessions you have finally slain the Three Giant Dragons of Chaos. In the treasure vault you find--12 copper pieces and a rusty fork. Who gets the fork?

The PC Infighter - "Since Ruth's been such a twit, I hit her in the face with my flail while she's casting her `find familiar' spell."

The Tactician - "The archer will move silently into position behind the podium, aiming at the sergeant. The mage will remain behind the door in preparation of a `sleep' spell centered at the table around which are the bulk of the guards. Meanwhile, the fighter and I . . ."

Never invoke anything bigger than your head.

At least one of the heroes will be the second best in the world at something. The only person better will be one of the enemy, but they will nonetheless be defeated by the hero at the climax.

Should the heroes be captured, the enemy will gloat and reveal all of their plans.

The heroes will be able to survive for weeks without feeling the call of nature, unless they are in a cell.

Start off occasional chapters with a description of one of the main characters engaged in some activity, without using their name. The reader will feel exceptionally smart when they figure out who it is before you reveal it.

It will only rain when the heroes are exhausted and running out of food.

OK, I moon the balrog.

Warrior: 'I go for the big guy!'
Elf: 'I go for my knife.'
1st level Mage: 'I go for the door!'

So if the water is flowing upward, how do we drink it?